Square Peg / Round Hole

In the last year, I ended a three year relationship to a man I thought I was going to marry. Neither of us had done anything wrong, in fact we both grew tremendously from being together (which is basically the whole point of being in a relationship in the first place). Yet towards the end, he grew down one path, and I grew down another - our energies just simply did not match one another’s anymore. It was one of the most graceful breakups I think anyone has ever had. 

It went kind of like this … 

Early 2013 (questioning things) 

H: “Can we revaluate our relationship? I find myself not unhappy, but not happy either.”  
J: “I hear you and appreciate that we are communicative and can work out any issues.”
H: “Yes, we are very skilled at letting one another know how we feel and what is and isn’t working. I think this makes us adults…”
J: “Scary.”
H: “Totally.” 

Mid 2013 (the breakup) 

J: “You were right, this isn’t working anymore.”
H: “I still care about you and only want the best for you. And me. I want the best for me.”  
J: “Ditto.”  (hugged it out) 

Early 2014 (still living together as roommates - not as weird as it sounds, it actually worked well for the time we needed it to - as we were always great as friends, started out as friends actually. We are currently getting ready to move out of this magical house that we’ve shared together.) 

J: [loud noises & the singing of REO Speedwagon coming from the kitchen at 7am]
H: [barely awake yelling from my bedroom.] “I am soooooo over you. Shut up! Go away!”
J: [yelling back from kitchen] “Ditto!” 

An hour later - 

H: “You’re going to miss me when I’m gone.” (I pulled up Cups from Pitch Perfect and started dancing around the house.)
J: “True, you’re an amazing person that I will miss. Some man is going to be so fucking lucky to have you one day. And he’ll be in for a ride… a ride of self growth and love that he’ll question as he’ll not be sure he actually signed up for it in the first place… but you’re so charming with your psychic intuition, what guy is going to say no to anything you say? I must say it has been difficult for me having you know everything about everything before I even knew anything. And I think I’m going to miss that part about you the most. But that man…the one you deserve to be with and the one that will fit with you, he’ll be fucking lucky to have you - you’ll make his life, career, everything - because that is what you do, you support and build up people, especially the ones you love. He will see your light and treat you extraordinarily.” 

As I said, most graceful - and flattering - breakup ever.  

So I began my journey on this new path of “best for me” keeping in mind what Jon had said about the man that I will "fit" with. It can be fairly frightening when you have been under the assumption that you will never have to date again and then BAM, there you are, impending your saturn return, single, and needing to date again. 

Oh the places you’ll go (and the decisions you’ll make) when you are doing a journey for yourself. I was sure to pack my best intuitional healers along for the journey (aka Joanie on speed dial, Mizz Fizzbuckle on iCal, Murisa for Sunday night dinners, David with a cup of Deep Bleu Tea, and Laura in the Venice Shakti Spot), consulting with them at each milestone along the journey. 

I have been on this journey of "best for me” for a few months now… which of course coincides with my saturn return (oy vey)… well played on the timing, Universe, well played. I have been purging all of the tangible and non-tangible things that no longer serve me, cut off a few inches of my hair (always a sign of "fresh start"), and finally started to write with the intention of it being read (oh hey dharma, nice to meet you). I have been basically prepping for whatever is next (and to be clear, I have no idea what is next), keeping my options open and remaining flexible. 

Then something unexpectedly happened this last week - there was a metaphorical knock on my door - it was a piece of my past (an old boyfriend) from my early 20’s. At first I was somewhat excited by this knock, as I remember that time of my life as being freeing and exciting, open to abundant possibilities, which is what I am currently creating. And for a brief period, I thought “this could be the thing that’s ‘next’” … but, uhhhh that piece ended… and for a good reason (please refer to the line above “this isn’t working anymore” - which is why almost ALL relationships end). 

However, for a good 24 hours, I pondered actually seeing this man again. What would seeing him over a coffee hurt? I reminisced on being with him… don’t get me wrong, we always a fun time and enjoyed each other’s company, but we did not have the same sort of goals, which is so crucial in a relationship (along with “must have similar outlooks on life” and “must inspire one another”). We were a square peg and a round hole - which was what I absolutely loved to try to make work in my early 20’s … it was like my own personal hell that I put myself through ... oy vey. 

The problem with square peg/round hole (besides the obvious factor that they do not fit with one another) is that you and the other participant are likely not being seen for how truly awesome you both are… you are just not awesome for each other. Even though there may be moments of fun, at the end of the day, square peg/round hole just does not fit. 

At the end of the 24 hour period, I realized how crazy I had been to even think of inviting back in a square peg/round hole relationship into my life. I had a minor relapse quite possibly due to some fear and guilt I have… guilt on how it ended five years ago, guilt that I should have/could have done something differently or more proactively - but all of this was false guilt - we were a square peg and a round hole! It was also likely that I was dealing with the fear of moving forward - which I am in the middle of right now - moving forward into an unknown, yet exciting, space. The square peg/round hole relationship is something I have known and have somewhat "comfortable" vibes with because I have been there done that. However, I have consciously spent time clearing this energy and crafting new space for a puzzle piece relationship that "fits". Fear and guilt, goodbye. You are no longer welcome in my life.

This man is awesome, but he is not awesome for me, and he is certainly not the man that Jon described. I consulted with Mizz Fizzbuckle, she described my choice to not engage in square peg/round hole as empowering. Shakti. It’s a Shakti Sunday, as all Sundays should be.